They’re profoundly Catholic even while they explore the dark edges of faith. Graham Greene always felt out of place, too, which is why his novels are so conflicted. I was stuck between a conviction that I had a specific purpose in life and the crushing realization that I was wholly inadequate to fulfill that purpose. Instead, I was sensitive, questioning, and introverted. To not be a phony, the transformation needed to be genuine – but an honest assessment revealed that this simply wasn’t who I was. I wanted to be able to flash a million-dollar smile, to remember everyone’s name right away, and give amazing sermon illustrations. I wanted to be seen as an extroverted, confident, insightful leader.
To do so, it seemed necessary to attain a certain glossy exterior and adopt a successful pastor-personality. Even while wrestling with my faith, I was strongly considering becoming an evangelical pastor. I wasn’t Catholic, but Greene’s account of a priest struggling for survival just after the Cristero rebellion influenced me deeply.Īll my life, I thought I needed to change my identity to a new, better one. A specific book that still lingers in my memory is Graham Greene’s The Power and the Glory, a fictional novel set during the 1930’s, a time when the Mexican government was persecuting the Catholic Church. Books affected me immensely and I did crazy things like read Kerouac’s On the Road and immediately hop in the car for an all-night drive across the state of Arkansas.īut books also helped to rescue me. The one good habit I managed to develop during this period was to become a reader. I wasn’t sleeping and my mental health was suffering. I’m sure we all have growing pains, but I was full-steam ahead on a serious spiritual crisis. In college, struggling with self-identity, trying to become a responsible adult with limited success, confused about my religious faith and lashing out like a wounded toddler, I was in need of an intervention. I’m not just talking about the fact that I had bleached my hair blond and refused to shop anywhere that wasn’t a thrift store. Back in the late ’90s, I was a bit of a mess.
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